who are you when nobody's watching?

Perception is abstract, a mere projection of an image we create based not only on what we see, but also on what we know and who we are. Two people can look at the same object and perceive it completely differently based on their histories. Those perceptions and their differences do not change the object and the facts. Perception isn't an absolute truth; it is subjective. Perceiving people is different in the sense that so much of a human being is buried beneath layers of defense mechanisms, pretense, and fear.

The fear of being perceived¶

I constantly find myself unable to grasp how I can be perceived. I don't imagine I exist in other people's subconscious, whether I'm in their vicinity or not. I often find myself surprised to hear a sentence like "We were just talking about you" or "I thought of you when I saw this". I often forget that I am also perceived just as much as I perceive other people. I, like many others, am also afraid of being perceived. The concept of someone evaluating me by the fleeting moment in which I am seen, and not by my actions and my character, is terrifying to me. I try to pick and choose how I dress, how I speak, how I act, in an attempt to shape others' perception of me as a form of protection. But what am I really protecting myself from? We already covered how perception, inherently, is subjective. There are other factors involved in the creation of this perception that are irrelevant to the thing being perceived. So, in theory, you cannot entirely control another person's perception of something. All my efforts to shape someone's perception of me go to waste because ultimately, it's up to them to decide. Since being perceived is both inevitable and uncontrollable, why should we fear it at all?

Expressive vs. Performative¶

I can quietly enjoy my favorite band, or I can wear their merch. Why would one choose to do the latter? Someone might recognize your shirt and strike up a conversation on that shared interest. Someone might like your story repost of their song and even reply to it, happy to find someone with similar music taste. You feel a spark of joy—you've found your people. Expression of your identity is how we connect as human beings. If I only read in private and never share the books I read, or, God forbid, read in public, I deprive myself of the chance of signaling to another reader that I exist. You deprive yourself of an opportunity for conversation, for friendship. Human beings have always connected over shared interests, which would only occur if there was an aspect of publicizing involved. But what happens when you only choose to do those things in public, though? What if you don't read, yet carry a paperback with you everywhere to whip it out and let your eyes glaze over it, too distracted by the idea of what you look like right now to read the book? That, by definition, is pretense. Your intention is to look like someone who reads. But here's the catch—from an outsider's point of view, there is no difference between you and the avid reader right behind you, also holding a book in hand. That outsider can either think of you both as performatives or as readers, when neither assumption is true. What does that tell us?

Identity & Intentions¶

The outsider's opinion is random and not based on fact. Because there is no way to know the intentions behind someone's actions, only the action itself is perceived. And if the outsider's opinion is not based on fact, should it ever be considered? When you look at someone wearing a Nirvana T-shirt, does your opinion on their authenticity even matter? It is completely random—you'll never actually know if that stranger listens to Nirvana or not. So, considering a person as "performative" is never based on fact, since you don't have the full picture. Someone's opinion of why you do what you do, why you are who you are, is irrelevant. The only person who will ever have the full picture, and not have to guess based on appearance, is you. No one will see through your actions and intentions more than you do. So, who are you when nobody's watching?